Disclaimer: Most joke stories presented here are dirty jokes.
Read them at your own risk!. You have been warned.
1. Viagra
So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for
'Viagra'.
The guy asks for a large dose of the *strongest* variety.
The doctor asks why he needs so much.
The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his
place.
The doctor fills the prescription.
Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain
killers.
The doctor asks "Why, is your dick in that much pain?"
"No", says the guy, "it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!"
2. The Voodoo Penis
A business man was getting ready to go on a long business
trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely
healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something
to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking
around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for
something special to please his wife, and started talking to the
old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
The old man said,"Well, We have vibrating dildos, special
attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will
keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked."Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo
Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very
old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic
images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks
like every other dildo in this shop!
" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over
to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door
shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began
to form down the middle.
Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to
box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and
lay there quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo
and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my
crotch."
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably
horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed,
opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The
Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was
absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced
before.
After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very
exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it
out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to
get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could
help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive,
quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another
incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He
asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to
drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything
to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing
stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in
an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my
ass.
The rest is history.
3. A Bridge To Hawaii
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across
an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said,
"OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah."
"This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick
of these wishes so you can forget about three.
You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said,
"I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and
I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so
I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said,
"That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that!
How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much concrete...how much steel!
No, think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said,
"I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said
that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I
could understand women....know how they feel inside and know why
they're crying, know what they really want when they say nothing
...know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
4. Curse
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife"
5. New Element "WO"
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing
and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly.
Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable.
Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and
precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great
amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next
to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for
dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing
agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
6. New Element "XY"
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets
bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.
Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples
are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it
can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself.
Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for
prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples
are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes
and begins to smell.
7. First Time
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday to have dinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl
announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like
to make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic,
but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the
pharmacy to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the
boy about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks
how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or
family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be quite busy.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where
the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute
passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
"I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back,
"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
8. Doctor's Advice
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the
street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor,
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."
The Doctor said,
"I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
9. Yeee Ha
One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch.
Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room,
he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.
He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father,
who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of
his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking.
Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if
nothing was wrong.
Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks,
"Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?"
"Of course, Son, we're a family."
So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother
starts moaning and writhing wildly.
"Hang on Dad!", cries Mikey, "this is where me and the mailman
usually fall off!"
10. Firmed Up
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to
his wife and pinched her on her butt and said,
"You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought
herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the
breast and said,
"You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and
grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said,
"You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman,
the gardener, the poolman and your brother.
11. Married
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in
the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial
embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep;
the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.
In the middle of the night the man leans over and says,
"I'm sorry, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if
you could possibly pass me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says,
"I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," laughs the man.
"Good," she replies.
"Get your own fucking blanket.
12. Charity
A man flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He had nothing left
but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket.
If he could just get to the airport he could get home. So he went
out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. The cabbie said
"If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the man was forced to hitch-hike to the airport.
One year later the man returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the
casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
At the end of a long line of cabs was his old buddy who had refused
to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The man thought
for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his
lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The man got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to
the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab." said the cabbie.
The man got into the back of each cab in the long line and
asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and
asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied
"fifteen bucks." The man said "ok" and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the man gave
a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
